As Good As New

“She’s a beauty, isn’t she?”

The words rolled off the saleman’s tongue as smoothly as the motor home had once rolled off the production line. It was well worn patter, with almost as many miles on it as most of the salesman’s stock.

“She’s seen better days,” replied David, kicking one of the front tires. David had no idea why he did it, it was just something he’d seen people do when buying a vehicle. Still, the rubber was reassuringly firm, and that had to mean something. Probably.

“Ah, her best days are yet to come!” the salesman continued. “Machine like this? She’s not really broken in until the first hundred thousand miles are on the clock. Trust me, that’s when she really starts to purr.”

David ran his hand along the armored bull bars that covered the grille and the first third of either side of the motor home’s cab. He felt dents, and something wet.

“Those bars are top rated,” the salesman said, pre-empting David’s question. “Heck, you should have seen what we scrapped off them when she came in …”

The salesman stopped. He was wise enough to know when he’d let out a little too much line, and his fish was in danger of slipping the hook. He changed tactics, quickly, before David could ask any awkward questions.

“Where you going, anyway?”

“Providence,” said David. It felt strange to say it out to another person, after all the weeks of planning, the months of hoarding, bartering, trading, and the years before that of wishing, wishing that he could be out of this place.

“Providence …” the salesman repeated, and let out a long whistle. “Wow. That’s a long way.”

“My parents live there,” said David. “Besides, I’ve heard that if you can make it past the first checkpoint, you can get a free ride, anywhere in the country. Anywhere you want to go.”

“Yeah? Heck, maybe I ought to give it a try myself.”

David bristled. “You’ve got to have family, that’s what I heard. You can go anywhere, as long as you’ve got family there to stay with.”

“Ah, right,” replied the salesman. “Well, that’s it for me then. All my family lived right here. Guess that’s true of most folks. We were a small town …”

“That’s what made it so easy for them,” said David. He pulled open the door of the cab and climbed up. Inside, the motor home stank of cigars and beer. There was blood splattered over the driver’s seat. “That’s what made it so easy for them to do what they did. Nobody missed us. Nobody cared. Just another town that dried up and blew away.”

David climbed across to the passenger seat. In front of him, a mounted machine gun hung awkwardly. “You got ammo for this?” he asked.

“Sure, sure,” said the salesman. David didn’t noticed the crack in the salesman’s voice, or that he had turned away from a moment. He didn’t notice the tears as they hit the dry, dusty ground. “I’ll throw in a few clips for you, how does that sound?”

David hopped down from the cab.

“Deal,” he said, trying to contain a sudden surge of excitement. This was it. He was going home.

“Great,” said the salesman, his composure returning, the thrill of the sale overtaking him. “Come up to the office, I’ll get the keys.”

David followed the salesman towards the portacabin that served as his office.

“Can you do something for me?” the salesman asked, as he unlocked the office door.

“What?”

“When you’re out there, on the road? Kill as many of those mutant bastard as you can for me.”

“Sure,” said David, with a nervous smile. “Every one I see between here and Providence.”

What online gaming says about us/How to survive a zombie apocalypse

I’m going to start this article with a disclaimer: I am not good at first person shooters on the XBox, PS2, PS3, or any other non-mouse-and-keyboard platform.

I am not the world’s finest shot with a Torgue Bow, my handling of the BFOG leaves much to be desired, and I sometimes think a head shot means a nice photograph. I’m far from cannon fodder, sure, but I’m no ducking-jumping-rolling-reloading crack shot. The point is, I’m probably an average gamer, just as I am an average person. And this is an article, definitely, about average people.

e.g. What average people do in an average situation, and how my online gaming experiences over the past month have helped me to form one simple monster/zombie apocalypse survival rule.

Put on a uniform.

My games du jour are the perennial classic Gears of War 2 and the comparatively more recent Left for Dead 2. In both games, I play online and typically play in a cooperative mode – either a cooperative campaign, GoW2′s “Horde” mode, or L4D2′s “Survival”. For anyone not sure what these are, they essentially pit the online players against AI controlled monsters (be they Locust or zombies) and you play together with a common goal. By comparison, a “deathmatch” pits you alone or in teams against other players and, in this environment, I normally take the role of “human shield” or “sitting duck”. (See my “I’m not a ducking-jumping-blah-blah above).

In both games I can hold my own. Average I may be, but the difficulty curves in both games allows even a casual duffer like me to pull off the odd headshot, the occasional “last man standing saves the day moment”, and I can typically hold a good second place on any leaderboard. AIs are stupid, basically, and so my “lurk, shoot, move” system is beyond their tiny minds to comprehend.

Still, everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes I get hurt. Bleeding, dragging my carcas across the virtual floor, my tiny digital me cries out for help. He has only seconds left to live as the enemy bear down on him. Will he go out in a blaze of glory, igniting a grenade and taking a few of “them” with him, or will he be ignominiously kerb stomped/eaten in short order?

Well, if I am playing Gears of War, I know what’s coming and what’s coming is a rescue. Not an AI player who happens to be in the right place at the right time, not a magic button press or a respawn. No, I’m talking about another player streaking across the field of play, shrugging off bullets to reach my bleeding hidey-hole, and uttering the immortal words “Get up soldier!”, or something similar. It happens with a regularity that ensures that I always do the same for my team mates. Unless all is lost and we are down to that “last man standing” moment, I’d rather go out making a dash to save another player than get swarmed on alone.

In Left for Dead however? Well, the name speaks for itself. I don’t mean to insult any individual player of that game, but … wow. Those people are greedy, selfish, and as the zombie horde swarms in? They are probably running the other way. It is one of the most uncooperative cooperative gameplay experiences I’ve ever had and everyone seems out for themselves. I’ve bled out in that game more times than I can count. I’ve fought off tens of zombies from the prone position, expecting a save at any moment. But nobody, nobody, in this game is “Saving Private Ryan”. No. They are busying privately saving their own asses, far away from me and the zombie dance-off happening on my virtual face.

It would be easy to criticise individual players, to name and shame those who have sacrificed this friendly stranger, but I don’t blame them for the egregious selfishness that this game seems to milk from the last remaining reptile glands in the human brain. No, I don’t blame the player. I don’t even blame the zombies.

I blame the lack of a uniform. I blame the lack of a flag.

Left for Dead paints you as an individual, not the member of a team. You’ve been thrown together with these other folks and, hell, you may not even like them. Who are they you, eh? Zombie fodder, that’s what. Hot, juicy flesh for the dead-ites to chow down on while you clamber over that fence and are away on your toes to freedom. So long, seemingly amicable “Coach”, you are too slow on the uptake to realise that when I set the house on fire, I was really lighting a zombie barbeque with you as main course. Toodleoo, “Stereotypical Redneck Guy”. See you around, “Guy who is in a White Suit for no reason”. Give me that health pack and bullets, “Token Female”, you don’t want to carry those … let me.

Like I said, average player = average people. And average people screw you over every time. Especially the ones in white suits.

So, my ill informed psychological conclusion is this … When the monsters come (and they will), sign up. Get yourself a badge, get yourself a gun, get yourself a uniform. You are not safer with the civilains, you cannot rely on the kindness of strangers.

Regular people suck. Man up soldier, and never leave a man beind.

Google Maps being used to track H1N1 Swine Flu

Firstly, I can’t decide if this H1N1 Swine Flu map on Google Maps is useful, ingenious, or just macabre. Secondly, I have to wonder if it isn’t just a little bit dangerous?

The creator, niman, claims to work in “Biomedical Research from Pittsburgh, PA USA” and certainly has a blog to back that up. I have no reason to doubt him/her. Equally, I have no reason to believe him/her either. I can validate some of the information on this map, but not all, and we all know tha the best lies have a crunchy truth centre. I assume the map is right, accurate, and up to date. But this is the internet, which means it doesn’t have to be, and probably isn’t.

I can’t help but wonder what other kinds of map you could create with Google Maps if you wanted to whip up a bit of mass panic? The now infamous “BNP Membership Map” being a case in point, I just wonder how long it will be before we have the “zombie infestation map” online. And how long after that until some lazy journalist turns it into news …